For a couple weeks now I was agonizing to Zac about when I was going to feel our little girl. "What if she's not alive in there anymore?" or "Maybe that was it!" To which Zac would reply, "It's probably gas." Well, I can now say I've felt her! And now that she's started, she kicks me and moves all day long. I was craving bean burritos the other day, and after having one she had a little fiesta in there. It is the strangest feeling. It feels like one of those alien movies where there's an alien inside, or like when your toe is twitching uncontrollably. That is probably the most unromantic/uncool way to describe it, but that's what it feels like. But I love it because I imagine her getting excited for this life and ready to party. She usually punches me the most when I'm hungry, have to go to the bathroom really bad, or am with Zac. I keep pressing Zac's hand to my stomach to feel her, but we can't seem to get the timing right yet.
|I don't know why my camera turns all pics yellow..but look at that little hand!|
Today we went in for the 'big ultrasound' to check all of her anatomy and make sure her heart was functioning, her diaphragm, her brain, any breaks in her palette, etc etc. I was so nervous beforehand--I was putting on my makeup in the car before the appointment (because I was about to see Zac and a girl's gotta look good) and I kept thinking, what if this is that moment I will look back on, putting on my mascara, when I had no idea that our baby was _____ (insert malformity here.) I know--I need to calm down. But I was nervous. Not to mention that they tell you to drink a lot beforehand and so I had to sit in the waiting room, poking Zac and saying whatever came to mind because my bladder was about to explode.
I was so relieved when the tech. laughed about how active Bean is, moving around the whole time and changing positions several times. She said it meant she was healthy and happy, and as she measured her heart and checked everything, she said it all looks normal. She's measuring a little small, but normal, which is just fine with me because it means easier pushing for me. :) My due date is still the same which is great and now I just feel more entitled to eat as many Sour Patch watermelons as I want. (Well, not really, but kindof.)
I was so happy when Zac asked if he could take one of the pictures to his office for his desk, and as I went back to my office I couldn't stop looking at her little profile, feet (I swear they look like Zac's) and hands. She hasn't even arrived yet and I'm already enamored with her. I started to think about the moment I'll first see her and I got emotional, driving down the road. It's the same feeling I had when I first realized I loved Zac---this all-consuming, pure JOY and love. This moment when you feel like you found this missing puzzle piece to your life and that you are doing something you were meant to do. I still remember when Zac and I were dating and I would think about losing him and I'd start balling. Just thinking about it. And now, when we talk about his dreams or aspirations and I feel this overwhelming feeling that the thing I want most, more than me, is for him to be happy. That's how it feels when I think about our little girl.
My aunt Kathy and I went to dinner over the weekend and then she gave me a bunch of shoes and clothes her little girl has just grown out of, and as I lined up the little shoes, looked at the clothes, and then in another bag...I could hardly believe my eyes. There was a diaper bag I had just seen that day at Gardner Village that I had wanted so badly but it was too much money. When Zac came home that night from fishing, as I was telling him about this diaper bag, and that I couldn't believe that Kathy had given me hers, I started crying. And Zac even got emotional. Because it was one of those tender mercies that just fell from the sky.